What is Domestic Discipline?
A relationship where one partner is the more dominant or the Head of the Household (HoH). They have the responsibility of making the final decisions and help their partner meet their goals. The more submissive partner is called Taken in Hand (TiH). They seek the guidance of the HoH. When the TiH acts out, breaks established rules or is working counter to their own best interest they are punished. The HoH and the TiH work together to find balance in their life.
Much of what’s out there is based on heterosexual couples this is not to say polyamorous
people can’t utilize this in their relationships, or same sex couples can’t (obliviously!) nor is it to suggest the partners must only be in one role. In some of DD relationships each partner can hold each role and act accordingly. it just might take a bit of digging to find what reflects what you are looking for in domestic discipline.
Communication & Negotiation
As with most things I blog about here > I stress communication. People have difficulties working without an understanding of the rules. First thing is to set the rules because Domestic Discipline and then decide on the consequences for not following the rules.
Discuss how this will work? Who is in charge? (And possibly when?)
Talk! Try, and then reassess. Figure out what works and what doesn’t.
To start most list their rules and goals for the TiH. These rules help the HoH guide as well as keep the TiH on track. Setting goals, keeping track, and receiving consequences is key to the DD relationships.
Rewards motivate and punishments deterrent.
There’s a lot of talk of the 3 D’s. These are rules to avoid dishonesty, disrespect, and
disobedience. They along with rules about Safety & Health are the cornerstones of the DD relationship.
Once the rules are agreed upon, people might set goals and work toward them.
Sometimes, the punishments may start with a verbal warning to remind the TiH of discipline attached to continuing the behavior. That may be enough to bring the TiH back in line.
Usually I’ve seen lots of discussions on spankings, early bedtimes, corner time, taking away a privilege (TV time) and groundings. However the punishment is meant to be unpleasant enough to help the TiH to avoid the behavior/action, and therefore should be specific to the TiH.
Just like with BDSM, aftercare ensures the TiH feels safe, and calm. This is important to
reinforce the relationship. Usually because this type of relationship is in a marriage or
partnership making sure the TiH feels loved is vital. Aftercare can range from sex to petting to talking, anything that helps transit the person back to moving forward.
Why Domestic Discipline instead of BDSM?
As you can see there are plenty of similarities and crossovers. Though in BDSM the activity can be done separate from life but with HoH it’s integrated as part of their life. (This isn’t to say that BDSM can’t be merged into one’s life as well.)
There is no safeword to stop the punishment in Domestic Discipline because there is no pushing of boundaries. The punishments have been agreed on by the TiH, and aren’t meant to be extreme. There aren’t built in outs.
In DD, discipline is punishment for breaking a rule, and maintenance/reminder punishments are to help keep the TiH on track. They can reinforce the relationship.
The HoH(s) and TiH(s) are usually in a loving relationship, and it is like any other partnership. There are disagreements, debate, but the decision falls to the HoH. ((In BDSM the loving relationship may or may not be part of it… breaking and confusing my romance writing heart! But those are the facts.))
Punishments are not given to the TiH to simply endure the pain or prove their submission. They are provided as guidance and consequences. While some TiH might be turned on by spankings, corner time, early bedtime, etc. that’s not usually the goal or expectation.
How Do You Decide if You Want BDSM or DD?
It comes down to how you want to define your world, and how you want things to work.
In DD, there’s usually no safeword and it’s not connected (directly) to sexual expression but it must be consensual. (Even as I type this I know there’s some people in BDSM relationships who would say that’s how they live too but they call it something else. That’s fine and valid.)
Remember this is about you and your partner(s). Do what’s right for you.
This is an excerpt from Zombies Blow (M/M/M fated mates work in progress)
Background: Corey and Jax have played in BDSM clubs but Corey has never been satisfied by that. He’s needed more. Someone to help him do better. This scene takes place after he’s been missing most of the day.
“This is the second time you’ve been irresponsible.” Jackson frowned.
Not liking Jackson’s expression, Corey shoved his hands into his short pockets, and ducked his head. “What do you want me to say?”
Cause right now he’d say anything, do anything not to feel so terrible. Jackson worried
about him and Corey was careless. From the look of Keith, he wasn’t unaffected.
“You’ve been immature and petty, haven’t you?” Keith’s were stern and measured.
He wasn’t wrong. Corey nodded…and waited.
Would he finally get what he’d always craved? Could Keith take him in hand and call him on his bullshit? He needed to be held accountable. Corey wanted to be good person but
sometimes nastiness crept over him morphing into some selfish terrible creature he didn’t want to be. Would Keith be able to help him?
“Corey, could you use your words?” Jackson asked as the overly zealous assistant.
He almost fell into the old comfortable pattern of shoving Jackson back away from where
Corey needed to go but one look at the spark in Jackson’s eyes told him his lover of twenty years had gotten a new playbook from Keith. ”Yes, I wasn’t thinking and I was selfish. I was upset and just needed to get out of here.”
“Why didn’t you come talk to Jax or me?”
Corey shrugged. “I figured you two wouldn’t even know I was gone.”
“Corey, you know that’s not true.” Jackson sighed.
“Playing games and seeking attention isn’t part of an adult relationships. Has Jackson ever treated you that way?” Keith asked.
“No sir,” he replied. The sir slipped out as naturally as breathing.
Unlike the BDSM scenes, this felt real and meaningful. This was what Corey wanted.
Jackson patted him on the shoulder letting Corey know he was on the right path.
”Well, I think you need to be punished. Don’t you agree?“ The determined set of Keith’s jaw made Corey shiver.
Did he? Fuck! Yeah, he did.
Finally! Corey’s dick lengthen and took more interest in the goings on.
A muscle under Keith’s left eye twitched. “Corey, please answer me. Do you deserve to be
No, no, of course not. What was Keith crazy? A combination of desperate need and want
made him spit out, “Yes, Keith.”
What the fuck am I getting into?
Keith winked at him reassuring Corey nothing too terrible would take place.
Each relationship is different and might even evolve over time. Figure out what works for you
and attach (or not) whatever label you want.
Always seek your own truth.
I’d love to hear from you so feel free to use the contact information and touch base with me.
To contact Z. Allora:
FACEBOOK: Z Allora Allora