Society attempts to embarrass and take away our sexuality by demonizing sexual expression especially from AFABs (people assigned female at birth). I could write a very long blog presenting evidence but just watch TV.
How are sexually expressive people shown? It’s rare to see a positive representation of sexual people (BTW we saw this in action with Sex & the City’s Samantha and with Brian on Queer as Folk. Two sexual characters and they both got cancer that hit them in their sexuality… so yeah even when the character is celebrated there always seems to be negative consequences.)
Another way to verify this is thinking about how people talk about sex in day to day? The expectation is sex is not discussed or spoken about in whispered words (unless you’re with me at Starbucks… ask Eden Winters).
Of course, there are exceptions but society defaults to controlling and hiding sex/sexuality.
I say fuck that noise. (As long as it’s consensual)
Own your sexuality.
1st Know Thy Self
You need to understand what interests you before you can share it with others. (This is not to say you can’t find your interests while exploring with others but sometimes it’s good to focus on yourself to know what you want without the influence of others.)
How to figure out what your needs/wants/desires?
Read (not just romance gasp! Did I say that?) Read BDSM How-To-Books
Watch videos (not just smexy videos but YouTube videos on the basics of what interests you)
Have conversations with others (ask questions & discuss topics)
Look at the BDSM checklist to find titillating activities. (And yes, some of the things you’ll have to google)
Play with the toy(s) that interest you.
And utilize any other way that lets you determine what tickles your fancy.
The Struggle of Sharing Your Ideas
Sometimes this includes no one but yourself… if so (& you’re willing) Enjoy.
Others might want to share their BDSM dreams with their partner(s).
Before you proceed: Keep in mind your partner(s) also have been fed the same line of shame and embarrassment society and family/friends have forced on you. The degree may vary but it’s probably still there embedded in their filter possibly coloring their reaction.
When broaching BDSM activities with your partner you might encounter resistance or a quick negative response > which can make you feel bad and wishing you had never brought up the subject. Though remember this might not be outright rejection but the learned response society force fed them.
How to start the conversation with your partner
- Feel them out > share a movie, book, post, or something you heard someone say…
- Ask them directly what they think & be ready for suggestions in terms of where you want to start…. Or decide together (best to start small with tiny wins than big with disasters)
- Put their hand on your ass and pull it back and smack it IF YOU LIKE IT: voice your appreciation with words or moans.
- Play with Toys: a paddle, a feather (Again start small) be ready for a negative reaction or denial of interest (again society force feeds us this negative stuff… try not to take it personally)
- Gentle role play: with a bit of a BDSM bent to it > school teacher naughty student
Getting Around the Negative
Ask open ended questions of your partner:
Why do you say that?
What do you think would happen if we did X?
How would X activity make you feel?
Allow your partner(s) to tell you how they feel.
Share how you feel:
Why are you interested in BDSM or name a specific activity?
How do you think X activity will make you feel?
Why are you seeking to feel that way?
See if a compromise can be reached:
Can you try it once and see how they feel? We can stop (aka Safeword) if you don’t like/want the activity to continue.
Is there a different activity that satisfies the same need? (IE: Need to serve doesn’t have to be met sexually a massage, doing your partner’s chores, etc.)
Can you get the same result without the equipment? (Just holding the bedposts as opposed to be tied to it?)
If there seems to be no compromise you might ask yourself harder questions:
Will time change your partner’s feelings?
What can you do to help support a change in your partners feelings?
If your partner never changes is this a deal breaker?
What are other ways you can get your needs met?
There are no easy answers but you’re worth working to find satisfaction. We are each responsible for our own happiness.
Always seek your own truth.
I’d love to hear from you so comment here or use the contact information to touch base with me privately.
Psst, by the way not everyone is into BDSM. The guys in The Temple of Heaven are certainly not. Check out the blurb:
Music is Tian Di’s life and his love, and he’s made plenty of sacrifices. His career is finally taking off with his band, Made in China, and he’ll continue to put music first… until he meets Jordon. Then insta- lust becomes insta-love and a commitment to the future—no matter how difficult it might be.
Jordon lives in a bubble constructed by his overprotective older brothers, who are so controlling that they’ve kept him from dating. A talented artist, Jordon managed to keep his success with a Japanese manga publisher a secret from his family, but now he fears discovery. It’s easier to let his brothers handle everything, but Jordon has reached his limit. He’s ready to draw some boundaries so he can be his own man and face all the challenges that come with that.
Their families and careers aren’t the only obstacles. Jordon must accept his identity as a gay man who doesn’t top or bottom. Fortunately, Tian Di—and his special talents—help Jordon open up to his sexuality in an erotic adventure that spans Japan and China, and with love, luck, hard work, and open minds, will end in a happily ever after.
To contact Z. Allora:
BIO: Z. Allora believes in happily ever after for everyone. She met her own true love through the personals and has traveled to over thirty countries with him. She’s lived in Singapore, Israel and China. Now back home to the USA she’s an active member of PFLAG and a strong supporter of those on the rainbow in her community. She wants to promote understanding and acceptance through her actions and words. Writing rainbow romance allows her the opportunity to open hearts and change minds.