B is for bondage
D is for discipline &/or dominance
S is for submission &/or sadism
M is for masochism
Basics on Z. Allora:
Hey! If you know me this might be a repeat but for those who don’t know me: I’m a love slave, too broken in my head to be a sub. I am happily owned by my love who is the very reason I exist. I don’t claim to be an expert on all things BDSM. My interest started when I was rather young and I’ve been involved on and off in BDSM in various ways for 30 years. For me, BDSM is not a lifestyle, it’s simply how I view the world and function best in my life.
Some of my core beliefs:
There is no one way to BDSM. BDSM needs and expressions are unique and individual.
Criticizing limits are invalidating and I think that sucks.
Limits should be respected and should be seen as an opportunity for creativity.
Different regions/countries/clubs/individuals can have different meanings for the same BDSM activity so we must clarify.
Sub doesn’t not mean doormat and Dom doesn’t automatically make you the boss.
For some, BDSM needs may evolve and change over time, that’s why it’s imperative to check in with your partner(s).
The cornerstone of BDSM is communication.
(These may not be your core beliefs and that’s fine. I just want you to understand what my filters look like.)
What’s the Allure of BDSM?
I hear this question kicked around. I thought this might be a good first topic. Why do some people find BDSM engaging and quite delicious? Here are some possible reasons.
Power Exchange: It’s all about trust. The submissive hands over their mental, physical and at times their spiritual well-being to another/others. The Dominant(s) accepts the responsibility of being in control of someone else’s mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. This can be for the length of a scene, a day, a weekend or a lifetime. The exchange is an agreement that all parties are working with the other(s) to fulfill a need within themselves and satisfy the other(s). What each person gets out of it is unique to them.
submissive Reward: There is a freedom that can come to a submissive when they’re no longer in control. The stress of having to make decisions is shifted to the Dom and the sub can simply be. This is why negotiating a scene/contact/agreement is so important.
Dominant Reward: Receiving someone’s complete trust is heady in and of itself but then being allowed to steer someone to a place some describe as Heaven is a jolt of magic. Doms with a sadistic bent can create intense sensations in someone who has willingly submitted to the journey. Those that get off on control or guiding a sub are also able to find ways of getting those needs fulfilled.
subspace/Topspace: During certain activities or an intense scene pleasure and pain can release a ton of delicious chemicals including endorphins (which can be like a hit of morphine). This magical place is described in various ways and as with most things can be very individual. Some people experience it as: an out of body sensation, a deep calm, euphoria, quiet in the head, joy, nothingness, detached from reality, and possibly delightful incoherence.
Experimentation: BDSM play is something different, exciting, out of the norm. Learning about yourself and your partner(s) by exploring all the things BDSM has to offer can be a fun activity. The very nature of BDSM encourages discussion and communication on new or different activities and allows you to figure out how far you want to go.
Sexy Fantasy: BDSM interactions can be played out in a negotiated safe space. Clubs, dungeons, and play parties usually have staff/Dungeon Masters who can help guide the participants, and if need be intervene. But even if you’re playing in private, you and your partner should be clear as to what is happening so you can shape the experience into something you both want.
Enjoyment of pain: Sensations are sought out and perceptions about pain and pleasure can morph as endorphins are released. (At the risk of getting philosophic: Life is pain. We can’t avoid it. BDSM can allow you to access it and prove not only can you deal with the sensation but can tame pain into something positive.)
Deep Unexplained Need: In a world that is complex and confusing BDSM can provide the stability of a system that allows the very deepest needs met. Some people may have these overwhelming urges to submit/control, give/serve, guide/teach, be accepted and/or to prove themselves worthy. BDSM provides an outlet and activities to pour these needs/desires into. BDSM allows the sub/Dom to achieve and receive satisfaction on the most primitive level.
My Ending Thought: BDSM Play Varies
People need different things and they have different limits.
There’s not just one way to sub/Topspace.
Some people only dabble in sensual dominance (no pain but something more than vanilla sex maybe some toys and fantasy play) to more hardcore the entire spectrum is valid.
Many need/enjoy the ritual of leather, BDSM clothing, a traditional BDSM atmosphere while others don’t.
Get information, lots of it: There are lots of workshops, books, online sites, clubs, munches (non-scene meetups), and other people involved who are happy to share. Just please keep in mind information can vary so the more you have the less likely you are to think your way is the only way spoiler: It’s not.
One of the main reasons why I wanted to do this blog is to help people reach a better understanding of BDSM, themselves, and their needs. I want to celebrate the individual expressions across the spectrum of BDSM.
Again, keep in mind: this blog is only one viewpoint, a small sampling of one love slave’s opinion. Always seek your own truth.
I’d love to hear from you so comment here or use the contact information to touch base with me privately.
To contact Z. Allora:
FACEBOOK: Z Allora Allora
Queer Romance Ink: https://bit.ly/2Hrtl57
BIO: Z. Allora believes in happily ever after for everyone. She met her own true love through the personals and has traveled to over thirty countries with him. She’s lived in Singapore, Israel and China. Now back home to the USA she’s an active member of PFLAG and a strong supporter of those on the rainbow in her community. She wants to promote understanding and acceptance through her actions and words. Writing rainbow romance allows her the opportunity to open hearts and change minds.